Saturday, November 12, 2005

Political Correctness in the home

Some things just don't go down well, at home. Here follows a list of things best avoided, left unsaid or done behind locked doors- this may keep YOU out of trouble!

Describing wife's friends as 'Severely Fuckable'
Describing wife's sisters as 'Severely Fuckable'
Describing any of the cast of 'Hi-5' as 'Severely Fuckable'
Teaching boys how to light farts.
Using the dishwasher to clean your pistols .
Making fireworks.
Tampons are not a firearms cleaning aid.
Reprogramming the remote control minus channel two.
Referring to the children as Demon Spawn or Satan's Little Helpers.
Using a bra as a flying helmet, whilst doing Biggles impersonations, no matter how funny the boys find this.
Rum does not go in the goldfish tank.
Ronald MacDonald does not really eat children.
Ronald MacDonald is not the antichrist (he hasn't passed the exam)
I don't eat babies and should not tell small children that.
Baby oil does not contain babies.
The Warehouse is not the place that 'Boys go in, Sausages come out'
Green plants are a food group.
Eggs are not aborted chicken fetuses.
Hot dogs do not contain their namesake.
Insolent children are not placed in a burlap bag and beaten with a reed.
Urine might be good for citrus trees, but not while anyone is watching.
They are breasts, not 'Dirty Pillows'
Cosmetics do not contain Whale blubber.
Sugar is not 'Kiddie P'
Three year-olds do not learn to say "Pull your finger out, women", all by themselves.
The children are not the Spawn of Satan nor the Midwich Cuckoos.
Rest homes are not 'Pre-Death Storage Facilities'.
Other people's children are not 'grounds for post-natal abortion'- at least in front of our kids.
menstruating women are not 'Unclean'
Pre-menstrual women should not have to carry a bell.
Girl children are not 'Duds'
Full Metal Jacket, Saving Private Ryan and Blade Runner are not suitable viewing for under 10's

I will not notice who is wearing g-strings at playcentre or at least not remark on this.
I will not point out to the boys- "look at the enormous elephant knickers!", in department stores.
I will especially not do this in Kirk's
Telling telemarketers to "sod off and die" is considered impolite..
Telling collectors I have their disorder and need some of the collection money now, is embarassing to others.

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