Sunday, December 30, 2007

Weight loss plan

This is one Christmas that I have not been overeating.

Some strain of nasty has gotten into my inards and while the grosser effects have passed, I have no appetite and bloat really easily.

I have dropped about 4kg since the 26th when the trouble started.

All I have to do is keep it going for another three weeks!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Albert and the Tiger

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Moral of the story?

Don't tease the fucking Tiger!

We probably won't ever really know if the did, but I'm reminded of a similar scenario at Wellington zoo. I was watching the Lions when a group of kids started winding up a lion on the other side of a plexiglass window. This animal was charging the window and the kids though this was hilarious. I ordered my wife and kids out. I rarely take that tone with them and they left immediately. The other damned fools had no appreciation of the power of these animals


I have been tagged!

This one is an eight point 2008 wish list. One or two things come to mind...

  1. More sex and more money (the two are not mutually exclusive) Tonights powerball would be nice!
  2. My Luger to finally get out of Pakistani customs.
  3. Liarbour and the Greens to get knocked on their arses.
  4. ACT to get over the 5 % threshold.
  5. Libertarianz to get a seat (as likely as my powerball win, but hey- I keep buying tickets!)
  6. Reintroduction of the Death Penalty, flogging and an annual decimation in prisons.
  7. Lindsay Mitchell wins a seat and in a deal between Nats and ACT, is appointed Minister of Social Welfare (or whatever they call it now)
  8. Income tax is abolished.
I tag Crusader Rabbit, Zen Tiger, Mrs Smith, MK's Views and KOTGD

Friday, December 28, 2007

Lemmings on the move

Happens every year at this time.

People living at one end of the country get an unexplainable urge to rush to the other end of the country.

And they all leave Mr Brain at home. Which could explain why credit card spending goes through the roof at this time.

If I had it my way (I don't) I would be retreating into the hills for a couple of weeks, as I used to do in my younger days, to spend time hunting, fishing and growing facial hair.

With not a she-mountain isle-blocker, camper van driving retard or a subhuman wearing Crocs in sight!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

New road rule- m'kay?

It's called:

'Give way to the frickin' locals'

Do we understand each other?

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Coming to a Banana Republic near you...

2008 Ballot Paper

This Ballot Paper proudly sponsored by NZ Labour, democratic leaders of the free world etc. (Approved by H Simpson; Paid for by Parliamentary Service)

Name: _________________________*

Address: _________________________*

* I realise that for transparency reasons, we should not vote anonymously, because the Exclusive Brethren may try to vote twice.

* I may leave this blank if I want to assign my vote to the incumbent government

* Any voting form filled out incorrectly will become a proxy vote for whoever Margaret Wilson decides, as Margaret Wilson can be relied upon to be impartial.

[X] Yes, I give my electorate vote to NZ Labour

[X] Yes, I give my Party vote to NZ Labour

[X] Yes, Please repeat the same order next election (assuming we hold them)

[X] Please assign my family's vote to Labour on this one convenient vote ticket.
I declare my dog to be living and in good health.
Total in family: 4,6,8,20 (Circle one. Round up to the nearest number.)
(White out any X if they are not required)

[ ] No, I would prefer to vote for ________________________^

(Please enter the candidate name & party EXACTLY for your vote to be valid.)

^ By voting for another party, I realise that IRD may audit me as part
of a random compliance initiative.

[X] But I still want to Party Vote Labour

[ ] Please cancel my Party Vote as a protest (any kind of protest)

[ ] No, I've thought about it and want to Party Vote _____________

[ ] I've changed my mind. Cancel my party vote.

[X] This is a one time vote, I revert to auto-subscribe (vote Labour) in future elections.
(White out the X if not required)
Declaration: Please check the following

[ ] I am not Exclusive Brethren (You guys said you don't vote, so don't.)

[ ] I am not, or never have been a member of a terrorist organisation such as National, which starts with the letter N, the same letter as Nazi.

[ ] I believe my NCEA credit has suitably qualified me to understand why I am voting Labour. I also believe that Labour were forced to charge me millions of dollars for my university education, and I am grateful they have decided not to charge interest.

Shamelessly plagiarized from NZ Conservative

Monday, December 24, 2007

Silent Night

Blissful peace!

Everyone else has gone out to look at Christmas lights.

I'm on-call and have two choices:

Stay home and have nothing happen
Go out and have my phone go nuts with fault calls

So stay home alone is the choice!

No doubt I will pay for this...

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The imminent famine

I sure there must be one coming- going by the hordes buying up at Pak & Save today!

Honestly, the shops are only closed for two days! How much can you frickin' eat in that time.

But then looking at the numerous examples of Ambulocetus* blocking the aisles- quite a bit!

All I have left to do is pick up my ham on Monday, so I can avoid the Red Shed, Pak & Save and the other forms of retail hell for the really crazy days.

The seasonal insanity has also spread to the roads, going by the low-grade moron driving at 65km on the open road, oblivious to the rest of the world.

It's that or German Cortinas doing warp factor nine on their way to the cutsy holiday cottage in Martinborough or Greytown.

Normally I go into hiding at this time of year, but I'm working so I can't...

* Look it up like I did

Friday, December 21, 2007


Inquest looms on 200-year-old skull

By Don Farmer

An ancient skull of a white female found near Featherston and with what appears to be injuries inflicted on it could prove to be a testing finale for outgoing Masterton District Coroner Jock Kershaw.

A forensic scientist and a very experienced consultant forensic pathologist both examined the skull in Auckland.

Their conclusion was the skull was "not Maori" and "clearly the skull of an adult woman".

The experts put the time of death only as "beyond living memory" but when it was forwarded to the Environmental Science and Research laboratory for carbon-14 dating an accurate finding on its age was made.

Police are not willing to make public the age of the skull before the inquest but have confirmed, in information requested under the Official Information Act, the mid-1700s as being "in the ball park".


Could we have a few inaccuracies in the history books?

Never mind- this inconvenient find will soon disappear...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Did the earth move for you?


All day lying in puddles, working in 100% humidity and covered in mud, oil and rust, straining to undo frozen bolts.

I thought that was a shit of a day.

Then I got an email from a chap I have known for years. He has been sliding downhill form depression for some years. It looks like he has reached the turnaround point now, but on catching up with his past couple of years- I decided my day, job and life are really nothing to complain about!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I had noted the similarity...

Thanks to Tom Scott for the cartoon


That painful time of year

When dutiful parents have to attend assorted school events.

Tonights one was the annoying type where kids sing badly in other languages.

The difference between sitting though that and a tooth extraction- about $90...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Oswalds Easy Eggnog

Forget the bullshit recipes found elsewhere. Eggnog is custard with booze added- that's about it. You don't need to make custard- the stuff in the supermarket works fine.


Take one litre of ready-made custard

Whisk in 250 mls of cream and a cup (big) of dark rum, along with a teaspoon of ground nutmeg.

Is that easy or what?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Woman of the Year my arse!

What a load of PC crap!


I know her sort well- a feckin' groupie!

We had them in the army too. They would fuck anything in a uniform. The consent issues might be dodgey by todays PC standards, but we are talking about a time when life was different.

There is an old saying 'there is none so righteous as a reformed whore'

That's about the size of it. There sleazy past comes up, so they deny it saying the were raped.

[Insert Tui ad here]

You cant judge the standards of 30 years ago by today.

And the past is THE PAST.

Still too good for them!

“The meals on Christmas day are almost identical to that served on any other day with the added extra of a Christmas mince pie. The menu is the same across all 20 prisons.

“Lunch is a portion of chicken, a serving of vegetables and a mince pie. Cold meat, salads and fruit will be dished up for dinner.

“While the meals are nutritious, they are by no means lavish.”

Story Here:

Meals are one thing Corrections gets about right- although they are soft on luxuries like tea and sugar.

However, I reckon Christmas should be a day of fasting- as should any day not spent working be!

One soft-cock doesn't agree:

"...Top Wellington chef Martin Bosley was aghast after seeing a photograph of the prison Christmas fare.

"That is truly awful," he said of the meal. "Your first thought is, 'Thank Christ I'm not in jail.' Imagine being sentenced to 18 years of that."

However, he said that, with a budget of $4 a day for three square meals, he would find it hard to create anything more appetising..."

News flash!- that might be 'Truly Awful' to a metrosexual tucker-fucker, but there are many thousands out there in NZ that would be delighted to receive that- not aghast.

Anything better for the inmate shit-heads is just like feeding a pig strawberries.

But he seems to gets the moral of the lesson- DON'T GO TO JAIL!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Make the punishment fit the crime


Is not trivial- the cost of spam is enormous

"...About 95 per cent of emails this year - up from 70 per cent in 2006 - were classified as junk messages, according to a report from US security firm Barracuda, Agence France Presse reported.

Most of this is deleted by email filters run by Internet providers before it hits inboxes..."

I believe the punishment should fit the crime- thus all spammers are to be reduced to- Spam!

Put through an industrial-grade mincer, rendered down, seasoned and sold for dog tucker. (which is all Spam is fit for!)

If it won't sell as dog tucker, at least they won't take up much cell space!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Buy a Fireman a beer!

I can't praise those unpaid volunteers enough!

I was one of the first on the scene of a nasty crash an hour ago. The vehicle had hit a power pole, the driver was badly injured and the ute was on fire.

With my extinguisher and another from another first-aider we kept the fire down, but could not extinguish it.

The driver was trapped and there was no way we could get her out.

It was a real relief to see that fire crew arrive, just as the engine was starting to flare up, as we were near out of options!


Story here:

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Restricting slug guns is not exactly what I would do...

"Police in Tauranga doubt further restrictions on the use of slug guns will stop youths from committing crimes..."

They would be right. These morons simply can't look 15 seconds into the future and see what the results of their idiocy could be.


Well lets look at dropping restrictions on carrying ALL firearms. (For those who LEGALLY own them)

"...He says packs of youths looking for trouble is becoming all too common, and they seem to have no respect for the law..."

Well, I bet the little shitheads will respect a 230 grain chunk of lead & copper. The thought of getting a REAL slug in return may just deter them from waving weenie airguns about!

Just let us protect ouselves. The police, with the best of intentions, can't be everywhere...

Saturday, December 08, 2007

On the Positive side

I'm always impressed with people who create or discover a new niche and make a business out of it.

Today I 'found' one, while looking for something for the wife. It's a local boutique that sells upmarket labels- second-hand.

The owner spends two days a week hunting down the good stuff amongst the dross in the second-hand shops, then resells it in her shop. I'm told you can get an outfit for something like a wedding or formal occasion for under $100.

Ladies, if you like a bargain and don't mind second-hand (as in worn once)

'Ooh La La' in Featherston, next to the RSA.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Thieving swine!

Hey you pinko shit-eaters! You know who you are- I've seen your IP addresses on my stats tracker and know you look in here.

Re-adjust the friggin tax tables, you bottom-dwelling scum sucking crapheads.

As you thieving bastards well know- they have not been matched to inflation in eight-odd years.

$800 in bloody tax last week. I should stop working 13+ hr days and let your friggin crappers dry up!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Sympathy- Zero

Nobody wants you, you piece of Shit!

What a friggin' surprise that nobody want the chief suspect in a double infanticide in their town!

Some advice for Mr Loser:

  • Get the dorky ring out of your face when you are in court.
  • Learn to like your own company.
  • Cut lengthways, not across the wrist.
  • It's too late to do the 'growing up' now.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Shutting the stable door after the horse has buggered off

Typical of the Army- now that they have been burgled- they now have guards wandering around outside the museum! More Mickey-Mouse for the current intake.

(I have spies everywhere!)

To those who say that the thieves need dealing to by the SAS- I say NO!

Let them take a kicking by a bunch of WW2 vets.

Like being impaled on a blunt spike- it takes much longer....

Sunday, December 02, 2007

A despicable act!

Charles Upham's Victoria Cross and bar is among prestigious military medals stolen from the Waiouru Army Museum.

Nine Victoria Crosses, two George Crosses and other medals were stolen in the theft early today.

Museum staff discovered that several displays had been broken into, after the alarm was activated in an annex to the building sometime between midnight and 6am.


I'm going to take a guess that this is going to turn out to be a theft by activists. This property is too hot and too specialised to sell.

Any penalty on the books is not enough for these lowfife scum- whatever the reason!