Saturday, December 29, 2007

Albert and the Tiger

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Moral of the story?

Don't tease the fucking Tiger!

We probably won't ever really know if the did, but I'm reminded of a similar scenario at Wellington zoo. I was watching the Lions when a group of kids started winding up a lion on the other side of a plexiglass window. This animal was charging the window and the kids though this was hilarious. I ordered my wife and kids out. I rarely take that tone with them and they left immediately. The other damned fools had no appreciation of the power of these animals

4 comments:

KG said...

Tigers 1. Visitors nil.

Mark said...

"I rarely take that tone with them and they left immediately."

Was that to spare them the sight of you feeding those little fuckers to the lion they were tormenting?

Seriously, I hear you. God knows what might have ensued.

As of today there is still no definitive word on whether they were provoking it but that is where my money is.

All the press is doing is concentrating on what didn't get done and how the wall was shorter than recommended, even though the THIRTY-THREE foot wide moat passed muster.

I'd say Tatiana was bloody pissed off about something to get across that moat and over the wall...

Oswald Bastable said...

The enclosure was built in the forties and had been secure until now.

That tells me that kitty was mighty pissed...

Andrei said...

I reckon that Walt Disney's nature programs have a lot to answer for.

People seem to have forgotten large animals can be dangerous.

As this elephant story

or in this extremely bizarre case involving an amorous camel